WARNING: This post was written early January

Ahh yes, time make another post, hence the ball sack that was on my face. Take a close look at the sack next time. Does one ball look bigger than the other? Is there another ball in that sack? Is this Moose’s nut sack, could possibly be.

Why do I get the nut sack on my face? . Ok. Let’s talk quality over quantity, yes I may not post a lot, but I give the readers of Icebakes some good quality reading material. For example my blog mate Whitney, I think you should replace his head with a pale of paint, because I’ve watched paint dry before, and that’s not very interesting, it’s like reading paint dry. And Moose, you’re not to far behind, C’mon man.

Let’s get right into it. You know what grinds my gears, well I’ll fuckin tell you what grinds my gears, where’s Speiss? Yes, the handsome young man who didn’t have much to say. But that doesn’t matter, because he is handsome. And to give his spot to Partridge? C’mon man. I can see putting Partridge up for a Halloween theme, or a Christmas theme, but a full time theme, isn’t going to fly. Speiss was responsible for 25% of the hits on this site. Consisting of woman of all ages, married, and single. Todd hasn’t been on the site since Speiss’s picture was taken off. And I generate 10% of the hits with my creative and witty bogs.

And another thing, shoveling, the #1 cause of heart attacks in Winnipeg. I’m sick of it. Nothing like shoveling 78ft of driveway whenever it snows. I need a vacation. Hmmmm, wait a minute, done and done.

Heading to Mayan Rivera with Speiss on Saturday for some fun in the sun. Stroll into Playa de Carmen for the Playa’s ball to play some bitches. Looking forward to hanging by the pool with some eye candy, instead of the eye broccoli I went down with last time!

Story Time:
One evening I was watching this movie called Good Luck Chuck, Starring Dane Cook. It’s about this character named Charlie Logan who has to break the curse that has made him wildly popular with single women: Sleep with Charlie once, and the next man you meet will be your true love.

Not long after watching this movie, I started running into some ex-girls, and/or hearing through friends how well they are doing. Which is good to hear, because I’ve always wished the best for each and every one of them, just as long as it didn’t include me!

Could I be cursed? And who cursed me? Could I really be the gateway to finding someone’s true love? Is good luck Chuck really about me? But with hot woman! Let’s call it Good Luck Goody? Hmmmm. I will sign up on facebook to find out why you cursed me Lisa Pilon. To be continued. This may include some pie!

Now it's time for me to introduce a new segment of my post that would include a list of things I’m to old for. Let’s call it “The Mertlaugh List”


Dancing – I’m too old for that shit.
Playing hockey more than once a week. - I’m too old for that shit.
Drinking 2 nights on the weekend. - I’m too old for that shit.
Moving – Need I say more!
Having back to back sex – Bitch please. Here’s some bus fare, now get the fuck out!

Writing Part 2 has you are reading this blog.

Merry Christmas?

This is the time of year, when we all remember the importance of giving. And there is no greater gift than the gift of booty. So, this holiday season. Why not bang someone in need.

-Barney Stinson-

When I think of you I touch myself....

I’d like to start off by apologizing for tardy blogging, and to all my fans. During the past months, I’ve had fans come up to me in the streets and say, ”Hey Goody, what’s grinding your gears, and “Hey goody, your grinding my gears by not saying what’s grinding your gears”, and “Hey, I want to fuck you Goody, and I say ‘Yo bitch I want to fuck you too.

To be honest, I could not post because I haven’t had access to the internet, and the story goes like this.

Just before winter, I bought a house, and no, this is not my first house (or my second), but the first house that I am the King of the Castle. But the castle was not fit for a king, so I went into hibernation over the winter months to fix my castle up. I made a pack with myself, no pussy till the Pussy penthouse can handle the constant flow of pussy going in and out the door. But as the months went on, the house was taking shape, but, I got lonely, keeping true to my pack, I took up a new hobby to pass my loneliness, masturbating. I got quite good at masturbating, and it was fun, until that one night, the one night I will never forget, I pulled it off.

Yes, that’s right. I pulled my dick off. So, I’m sitting there with my dick in my hand not knowing what to do. So I put my dick on ice in a playmate cooler, called my Mom, and she rushed to the hospital. When I came too after the surgery, the doctor was in the room, and he said,
Doc: “son, you were lucky this time, we were able to sew it back on. But, I think you need some help with the masturbating. “
Goody: not till my house is done,
Doc: “hummm, no, professional help.”
Goody: “like a hooker or an escorte?”
Doc: no you stupid bastard, rehab!
Then the doctor left the room shaking his head.
So with some holiday time coming my way, I was off to sex rehab in Arizona.

During my time in rehab, I met some interesting people, like this one guy named Eldrick Woods, he called herself Tiger for some reason. One day during lunch, I introduced myself,
Goody: Hey hey, I’m Goody
Tiger: Hello, I’m Tiger.
(Something didn’t seem right about this guy, he was black, but he acted white?)
Goody: Soooo, what do you do for a living?
Tiger: I’m a professional golfer.
(Thinking to myself, black golfer, pfff, yeah right.)
Tiger: How about yourself?
Goody: I’m a fighter pilot
Goody; Sooo, why ya here?
Tiger: I cheated on my wife
Goody: Oh snap, how’d you get busted.
Tiger: Went out to a friend’s house and left my phone on the coffee table, she went through my phone, and seen the booty calls from other woman.
Goody: Should have had a Ho phone.
Tiger: Tell me about it.
Goody: Whatca ya writing?
Tiger: A public speech saying I’m sorry for cheating on my wife.
Goody. Fuck that, you’re just sorry you got caught.
Tiger: True
Goody: Just be honest, if you tell the truth, everyone will forgive you, even your wife.
Tiger: You’re right Goody. I’ll be honest. I not sorry my cheating on my wife, maybe if that bitch gave me some pussy in the first place, I wouldn’t be banging every piece of ass that gets thrown my way. My wife hit me with a 9-iron, my 9-iron in the face, ha, I gave that bitch craps. I love pussy Goody, white pussy, I can’t help myself. I am going to fire my PR for telling me to get married. And this cock sucker Ernie Els was dissing me on TV, HA, I fucked his wife. Goody, it’s been good talking to you, I’m out of here.
Goody: That’s guys full of shit…..
Just as I was leaving, I met this biker looking fellow covered in tattoos; we just talked cars and stuff.

Out of rehab, and proud to say I’m fully recovered from touching myself.

Now, to what you’ve all been waiting for: You know what’s grinding my gears, well, I’ll tell you what’s grinding my gears, facebook, it’s fucking gay. To all those people who have 10+ pages of friends, let me ask you this question, how many of those people do you actually talk too, maybe 5 people, don’t kid yourself. And another question is to why your on facebook, to contact old friends, child please, you just want to know who has 5 kids by 5 different fathers, who got fat, who got skinny, who got got, who gives a shit, I don’t. And that’s what grinds my gears.

On a side note, I’d like to congratulate the Todd and Darryl for slipping one by the goalie, and no, I’m not talking hockey, cause those two couldn’t score on rusty dusty.
Oh, Todd, take good care of my kid, and don’t bug me for any child support.

Things to come: Heading out to Pfiefs cabin, painting the outside of my house, fishing, and making some cream pies.

And last, but not least, partying with Jonathan Toews and Lloyd Stanley somewhere in the southend burbs.

Ho Ho Ho Ho's?

Unlike Robert, I believe in the Fatman. Because every Christmas I write a letter to the North Pole with my Christmas list. Christmas morning comes around, and presents mysteriously appear under the tree, signed to Goody from Santa. Same goes for the Easter bunny. Although, it’s been getting easier and easier to find the chocolates, I have to give props to the fat man and the bunny.

Then there's the tooth fairy. When I had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled out back in the day, I put em under my pillow that night. I figured there at least worth $5 a piece. When I woke up the next day, I anxiously looked under my pillow to see how much was there. To my dismay, I found a sucker under my pillow. While sitting in bed looking at the sucker, I thought to my self, that bitch fucked me over, and not in a good way. Thinking more about, I’ve never seen the tooth fairy in my life. I always thought the tooth fairy was a girl, but fairy could mean the other kind of fairy, in the homosexual way. All these years I’ve been putting my teeth under my pillow, the tooth fairy (fag) has been under paying me for my ivory, and possibly juggling my nutz in the middle of the night. And that was the last time I put a tooth under my pillow.

Now it’s time for my quarterly segment of what really grinds my gears. You know what grinds my gears, well, I’ll tell ya, football players who can’t drink out of a water bottle. That’s right; the water boy shoots water into the player’s mouth. These guy’s are professional athletes who can’t take a drink of water on there own. Some of these players come from top notch colleges too. I guess they flunked that class on how to drink water from a water bottle.

Being a playboy playa like myself, it’s not easy. But after reading all this jazz on Tiger Tiger Woods, I gots to give some advice to all the Playa’s, Tomcats, and Pimps out there. And the advice is, get yourself a Ho Phone. If Tiger would have had a HO phone, his wife wouldn’t have given him a 9 iron in his ear for Christmas.
Al’ight playas listen up. The Ho phone is a separate phone from you main phone, not a contract phone, always prepaid, no paper trail. For you main phone, it’s ok to have a iphone, blackberry, any other bling bling mobile, but, the HO phone is a beat up, out of style phone. Reason being, your wife, girlfriend, boyfriends, wouldn’t think twice to look at it. And don’t be stupid and leave it out in the open.
As for Tiger, Christmas would have been different if he had a Ho phone. He would still be chewing on that light tender meat, instead of sipping it though a straw.
Playas, keep on playin. Hustlers, keep on hustling, and pimps, keep and pimping, couz pimping ain’t easy.

Gobble Gobble

Long time no blog. I like to give a shout out of congrats to the Bakers on there newest member to the family. I hear Baker Junior already has a bigger horn then his old man.

Reporting on events that passed. Todd’s stag. Well, the weather wasn’t the greatest, but that didn’t hold anybody back from sharing Nubian jokes for most of the night. The only thing missing , was a burning cross on the front lawn. And on a side note, I did not part take in any of it. And to top it all off, I saw a naked fat man as soon as I got there, which wasn’t a surprise knowing Todd’s taste in men.

Met my new neighbors recently. My brown neighbor to the right, who’s name is Kumar. This is funny, because now I’m looking foreword to puffing on a blunt, getting the munchies, and walking to burger king. I'll call it "Goody and Kumar go for some BK mini's Bitches"
And my neighbor to left, who I see in his driveway, sipping on a bud light, see him at the neighbors across the street, sipping on a bud light, see him on the other side of the bay, sipping on a bud light.
The street reminds of the movie Friday, mostly everyone on the street sits on there front porch or driveway sipping on some drinks. I should call Day Day, Smoky, and Craig over, for some colt 45, and some blunts. And do it all over again next Friday.... Snoochie boochies

On a side note, I lost yet another phone. It was at the start of a rye drinking night. But before I had my first rye, I noticed “where is my phone”? Retraced my steps, and still nothing. It was like Keyser Söze, poof, it was gone.

Now it’s time for my monthly segment of what really grinds my gears. You know what grinds my gears, well, I’ll tell ya, skinny punks thinking that there tough wearing tap out or affliction shirts, nothing but a pair of clown shoes.

Now for my once a year segment, inspired by thanksgiving. I am thankful for center ice hockey. Cause, who wants to watch the Leafs and Oilers every Saturday? Not fuckin me.

Things coming up, Todd’s social and wedding, getting a haircut, heading to Yorkton, and installing a faucet in my bathroom.
Peace out bitches

Warning: Foul Langauge

Just over a month has past since my last post. Another week of holidays gone, a year older, and a fresh start. As for my holiday's, went to the cabin for some maxxing and relaxing. Went to Moose's cabin for a couple of romantic nights, golf, the saint, and some hot gay sex you could cook a grill cheese with.

As for for my b-day, noticed I' m getting older, my ballz were hanging 2cm lower then usual, then went to drown my sorrows at the Scottish pavilion, other then the bag pipes and fort garry pale ale, pretty good.

New monthly segment, aspired by Peter Griffin. What grinds my gears, well I'll fuckin tell ya, pay bars at a wedding. And the story goes like this:

Went to my brother's friends wedding in Brandon. Looking dapper as always, I walk into the reception with my date, placed the envelope in the jar, and proceeded to the bar. But wait, catching something in the corner of my eye, I noticed one of the guests holding tickets. I'm thinking, why would there be tickets at a wedding, do country weddings have a 50/50 draw, putting 2 and 2 together, it's a fuckin pay bar. Let's just say I was that close to taking money out of the envelope to pay for drinks.
For all who suckas getting married, and thinking of having a pay bar, put it on the fuckin invite. That's what really grinds my gears, and also white framed sunglasses, brutal.

Things coming up, Todd's stag, new house, drinking some beers, and more hot gay sex. that's all I got for now. gigity

One Crazy Summer, so far.....

I like to thank Marsh for putting me beside Whitney, I look like the guy from Beetlejuice with the little head. Looking foreword to summer holidayz.
Just had a week off, golfed with Phife dogg in Baker's golf league, and q-tip wasn't far behind, didn't golf to bad for my first time out, but that will change.
Sang my first song at the limelite, it was funny, the song was Billy Jean, (not by Chris Cornell). I cleared the place out, it was sick, then has I'm getting off stage, Micheal Jackson must of risen from his grave, looks at me, takes his white glove, slaps me in the face, and says, " are you for real, you must be kidding me", and then he left. So there goes my singing career.
Towards the tail end of my holidays , I go to a pool party, get dumped in the pool with my wallet, and my phone still in my pockets by some girl that I haven't seen before in my life, it got even funnier the next day when I had to shell out $150 for a new cell phone. BIACH.
My cousin from Ontario is in town keeping me out and about all of the time, tried to burn down Moose's cabin, but I was to busy making love to Winnie the Pooh in the bee costume. As for things to come, a wedding in Brandon, Todd's fag (stag) party, and much, much more. I'll keep ya posted.